#2 Survival mode and overthinking - comparing life to rollercoasters and crossroads

14/08/23

Hello, hello, welcome back. I’ve not been very consistent with writing on here and I’m gonna have to work on that as well as my social media but life has been veery busy.

Where I’ve been:

Lots has changed during the last two-ish weeks, one job ended, internship began, been job hunting, looking at new uni classes and sports and language courses all while figuring out how to live at home with my parents again. I’ve also been planning some concerts and prolonged weekends away and it feels kinda surreal to say that because I just never had the time but now I am actively making time to do things that are fun. I am fully aware that it is such a privilege to even be considering these things, time- and money- and location-wise. And they really are so expensive, I don’t know how I am still always so surprised at how expensive life is, especially in Switzerland where it’s always been so expensive my whole life and yet somehow prices have still skyrocketed even more over the last year or two.

Anyway, it’s been very up and down, side to side, like a rollercoaster. I just heard Lando Norris’s voice over his car radio in my head and if you do not know what I’m referencing here, never mind, just ignore this haha. I’ve been watching too many F1 compilation videos and LandoLogs. Actually, how many do I personally define as too many? I’m quite content with the amount I’ve watched, I wanted to and so I did. That wasn’t my voice in my head that said ‘too many’, is what I am trying to say here. I’ve been having these moments quite a bit recently, where I notice myself thinking something and come back to it like, hang on, do I really believe that or was that societal norms talking.

On a completely different note, my neck is killing me. It’s always tense, my whole body seems to always be tense and in survival mode which gladly has gotten a bit better but I think I’ve been sleeping in weird positions that are not good for my neck. And somehow I can’t seem to stop, even though it really hurts so bad all the time. I complain about it plenty to everyone in my proximity so of course it found it’s way onto the blog, ha. If anyone actually reads this and happens to be a medical professional or struggled with the same thing and found a way out of it that works for them, please share it with me, I’m desperate for it to stop. Other than that, my internship at the hospital is off to a great start, it’s intense but more fulfilling than I could have imagined. I’m starting to get used to working in shifts. Also, my grandma has retaught me to knit and I’ve been working on this beautiful colorful scarf and I am almost done and not gonna lie, I’m real proud of it.

Mentally, I’ve been struggling with the feeling of standing at crossroads. I’m either staying in the fields of medicine and science or I am switching to something like international studies, history, psychology, sociology or ethnology. In my mind these are like two camps, the first one feels a lot safer from a career perspective for some reason and the other has always kinda felt more like something I have a lot of interest in that is a bit like a hobby. Or at least that’s how I’ve always treated it and maybe also a bit how I’ve learnt to treat it from my environment: Natural / life sciences being a serious career and social sciences being less serious and more of a hobby-like, general knowledge kinda thing. Which is so silly and I’m trying to find what I think as opposed to what has been impressed onto me, if that makes sense. Because logically I know that I don’t agree with the sentiment but practically, my instincts tell me that it’s true. It’s been a struggle. Also, since I’ve finished the last semester I’ve had much more time to think about things, about the state of the world, about topics like media literacy and access to internet, about how crazy it is that in Switzerland women have only been able to vote since 1970, about the feeling of taking up too much space, about the waste production of companies, about how every single girl or woman I know has had or still has some kind of issue with food and eating and body dysmorphia, about the ways in which memories shift and fade or are reshaped into something entirely different over time, about how civil service in Switzerland is kinda like better paid and mandatory internships, about my control issues. Ha. I mean, I’ve always thought about all of these things and so much more, or I should probably say I’ve always overthought them, but these last few months I have not had much time to think about things outside of my studies and now it’s like my brain is trying to make up for it, catching up on all the ideas and concepts it can. My mind is working overtime and graveyard shifts. Except for when I am working, then I am quite focused on work and don’t think about any- and everything like I usually do, which is an added benefit of the internship for sure.

Okay, I am realizing that I suddenly have the urge to just go off on thousands of tangents to explain every single thought I’ve had since my last blog post that might be faintly, remotely … amusing, entertaining, absorbing, appealing, fascinating, captivating, riveting, compelling, compulsive, spellbinding, gripping, engrossing, enthralling, beguiling, stimulating, thought-provoking, exciting and intriguing. Alright, that’s enough. I have the urge to say I’m sorry about that but I’m not really, I’m laughing actually. My brain does this sometimes and it’s funny, if this was a podcast you might think so as well, but alas it’s not, so you have to imagine it in a very theatrical voice that gets more and more emotive as you read on or else it’s probably a bit abrupt. Anyway, now that I might have made it a bit weird and awkward, let’s move on.

I feel like it’s time for another segment now, I’ve talked enough about myself. This is actually sharing quite a lot, pretty personal, but then again that is what I wanted to do with this blog, since it is a life style blog primarily. Probably. It is what I want it to be, I guess. Ha. So if I’m not uncomfortable with the level of information I’m sharing, which I am not, I guess I am fine.

Website Narration:

First of all, I am very pleased to announce that I have indeed started the writing project based on the true story of my dad’s life that I have been wanting to write for years and years. I published a first part, a sneak peak sort of, already. Yeah!! Fireworks, applause, I can see it all and I am thanking you and clapping myself on the back. I’m gonna stick with it, I promise. This is more a promise to myself than to you. Honestly, all of this is sort of me talking to myself, speaking into the void, because there is literally no one reading this as of right now. But who cares, it might be a bit delusional to think that maybe someday there will be people reading this but I really believe that and a lil delulu has not hurt anyone yet. Anyway, back on topic, the working title of the project as of right now is ‘True Blue’, inspired by the following quote:

Your love is tough, your love is tried and true blue.
boygenius

Anything else? Oh, I have watched Oppenheimer, I’d planned to watch it and Barbie as well of course, but like I said I’ve been working shifts and it’s taken a while to find time to go to the cinema. I went quite spontaneously with a friend and both of us were very excited but didn’t have very specific expectations, and we were both absolutely blown away. And I am currently working on a little (or maybe not so little, we’ll see) review that I am gonna post on the website, so keep an eye out for that if you’re interested.

Closing thoughts

Alright, this post is not very concentrated on one topic, it’s more of a good old catch up and a bit of a brain dump, but it’s honestly taken longer to write than I had planned already, and also, I don’t want to overdo it. Otherwise, I’ll get overwhelmed with my high expectations to myself again and not write or post on here for ages again.

Thanks for joining my rollercoaster thought process for a little while here today. I hope it was entertaining or that you related, maybe I put something into words that resonated with you, or that you feel less alone with your feelings and experiences now; whatever it is I hope you took something from this and can go on with your life feeling a little lighter.

Lotsa love, Skye