#3 Failure, waiting for permission and being in your own way - all I do is try try try

09/09/23

Hi, and welcome back to the Skye Mahdi Blog.

I just wrote that with the most British reporter voice ever saying it in my head. We’re off to a great start, because you don’t have to actually hear my impression, and believe me you don’t want to because it’s horrible, you can just imagine it to be amazing and we can pretend that that was all me.

I’m having lots of fun writing this so far. I know I’ve only written the first paragraph and it’s not at all what I planned to write, but this just happens. It’s almost embarrassing how funny I think I am sometimes. Except I’m actually not embarrassed about it at all HAHAHA.

Where I’m at:

I have been doing so well lately, it feels like a glitch in the matrix. I feel so grounded, centered, and at peace. It’s been PHENOMENAL, not gonna lie. The last time I was doing this good was probably during lockdown. Which was more than three years ago now. Crazy how time flies. I haven’t felt properly relaxed and like myself for three years. I’ve basically lived with chronic stress, sleep deprivation and self-inflicted pressure. That sounds a bit depressing. I’ve been fine, I just always do and give too much, and never seem to know when to stop, and it’s like I was stuck in this hamster wheel. And yes, it’s not all my fault, it’s capitalism and society etc etc, but I could’ve made it easier on myself and instead I always made it as hard as possible. So yes, I’m doing refreshingly good now. I’m content. I feel like myself. Working at the hospital gives back a lot, it’s weirdly energizing in a way. It’s hard to explain, but working with patients, being able to help them, chat with so many different people, it’s so valuable and enriching and I enjoy it very much. It’s also exhausting, don’t get me wrong, it’s more physical than people think. Working in health care is very much so physical labor. But I love doing it, much much more than I could have imagined beforehand. It’s so, so rewarding and fulfilling.

As you might have noticed, I have not really written a new blog post in almost a month. In my defense, it’s difficult to plan anything right now because my work schedule is not regular at all, I’m working weekends and changing shifts so it’s different every week. I’ve been very spontaneous lately, which has felt surprisingly good. Usually I’m such a control freak, but to be almost forced to be more spontaneous just based on what schedule I’m working with has been weirdly freeing. It does make it difficult to establish a routine though, and since I have not yet really built this habit of writing regularly, that has made it difficult. Might take me till the end of the year.

An irregular work schedule is not the only thing that makes having a blog difficult. Or a podcast or being on tiktok or YouTube or being an author or anything else that puts you out there and requires lots of discipline to keep going on your part. There are quite a few hurdles that I’ve noticed personally, and also that I’ve heard content creators talk about, and since it’s been occupying some of my brain space recently, I chose it as the topic for today’s blog post.

Website Narration:

Not much to say, really, because I haven’t been posting as regularly as I had hoped but that is exactly what today’s blog entry is all about. I’ve been working on multiple posts for the first two categories and I’ve realized that they are more work than anticipated. It takes quite a bit of research to back and double-check my current knowledge. I think I’m gonna start timing myself when I write blog entries and set myself a limit where I stop and try to come to an end because otherwise I stress too much and invest time that doesn’t pay off because I try to perfect it and I could go on for hours and hours and not necessarily make it better at all. And because from experience I know how likely it is for me to go down that particular rabbit hole, I’m less likely to sit down and actually start to write, because I can’t usually afford that kind of time investment. I can’t record my every thought. I guess I’ll try the time limit and see how it goes and if it helps.

I’m still figuring this out, I’m still in my pilot era. And I’ll probably always be. I’m kidding. Well. Kinda. I’m gonna get better at this and find what works for me but I’ll always look for ways to improve my current system. Anyways, was this a little boring? I’ll leave it in anyway, you can skip it, but it’s probably too late for that now haha. It’s just something I’ve thought about. And it actually really fits today’s topic.

Hurdles to content creation:

Alrighty, let’s do this. I wanna start by saying that one of the biggest things I struggled with throughout my teenage years (which are coming to an end in two weeks, absolutely bonkers!!) and still struggle with if I’m being honest, is putting too much pressure on myself. To the point where I felt like there was this ticking clock that was counting down the days until I wouldn’t be ‘young’ anymore, wouldn’t be a teenager anymore essentially, and wouldn’t be considered ‘great for my age’ anymore and instead just be considered good. I always expected of myself to get a head start and be this child prodigy that would publish a novel somewhere between the ages of twelve and sixteen. Which *SPOILER* I did not achieve. I did other things that are cool and that I am proud of and that I got praised for but I never felt truly accomplished because I didn’t hit those crazy big goals. Looking back it makes me a bit sad sometimes when I remember how I felt like I was failing when I hit another birthday and hadn’t yet made that happen. I always imagined how people would be so blown away if I could say that I was a published author when I was still a teenager. Which is to say, I’ve pretty much hustled to get people’s approval and praise for a large part of my life. I’ve always had the craziest, most outrages expectations of myself and I still majorly struggle with this in areas of my life that aren’t writing. I am yet to release my debut novel, but I am kinda glad I didn’t accomplish that when I was twelve. Not because that wouldn’t have been cool but because now, after taking the time to gain more experience and practice, I know that it will be even better. I am trying to measure my success a bit less by when I achieved ‘big things’ that impress people I don’t even know or care about all that much, and more by my ability and willingness to learn and grow and be content with and present in my life. Good things are worth waiting for.

I put too much pressure on myself because I hold myself to a standard that is so high that sometimes it’s just not realistically achievable. And by ‚sometimes‘ I mean most of the godd*mn time. Creating something, especially publicly and on the internet, intensifies this. I don’t want to slip. I want to make sure that there is NOTHING for people to criticize. I want to do everything so well that there is nothing left to do better. If you haven’t noticed so far even though it’s blatantly obvious: I’m a perfectionist. Even though I know that being perfect isn’t an option and isn’t logically something you’d want to achieve because that would be so boring. And I have had moments over the span of my life where I thought I got over my perfectionism, but, well, I didn’t and I might never fully. There are areas where I learnt to deal with it better, and over time I hope that in more and more areas of my life I’ll allow myself to fall short of my own expectations. That I’ll allow myself to do my best and accept that ‘my best’ doesn’t look the same every day and through different seasons of my life, and that I’ll learn to give myself more room for growth and allow myself more space for the real, full version of me and not just the ‘perfect’ version. That I’ll learn that not everything needs to be critique-proof and pristine and my best work to date.

Little side note, I think this exact struggle is why I didn’t start this blog in high school, or rather didn’t stick with it, or YouTube for that matter, because the peer pressure is much more acute in high school, much more tangible. You’re always around the same people, and it’s kinda random which people. Personally, I feel it was easier to start now that only the people that I choose to be in my life are in my life.

What I have also really been struggling with since restarting this blog is that I connect it so strongly to my identity. I am trying to get over the fear of not being seen for who I am because I leave space for people to misinterpret what I present of myself online. Now, logically I am quite aware that I can’t control how people react to my blog posts and that there are always going to be people who want to misinterpret it and all i can realistically do is my best. Moreover, there is no point in trying to convince people to like me when I’m not even sure I like them. There is no point in building a community and talking to an audience that I don’t want. It’s crucial to me to attract people that believe the core things that I believe to be right about the world and I am very adamant about that in real life. Why would it be different online? It feels harder because it can be more superficial with people only presenting a certain version of themselves and their lifes, I guess. But those aren’t the people I attract, right? I hope at least :’)

And I also know that really, it’s not that f*cking deep. I don’t have to capture who I am, my whole being, in every single post. It’s all facets of myself and I’m allowed to change and evolve and be fluid with who I think I am and I obviously also don’t have to share every part of myself because that’s not what this blog is about. If I’m uncomfortable posting something, I’m not doing it.

So, here I am now. I’m still working on my debut novel but I’ve also started a blog! I have a blog!! Are you proud of me? Just a little? I am 🙂 It will probably always be a theme in my life that I’ll have to try and find ways to put less pressure on myself to do everything and be great at it right away, so please cut me some slack while I figure it out with this blog. Putting pressure on myself has probably been my biggest hurdle to content creation, and also the reason that it took me twenty years to finally start this blog and try to stick with it. I think, getting older has really helped with this, gaining experience, getting to know myself better, trying new things (like YouTube ahhaha I was so young then), learning to give myself permission to suck a bit sometimes.

My main tip for someone else struggling with similar things would be: Try lots of things. Choose a few. Obviously being human means that there is a limit to how much we can do in a lifetime. It’s sad but it also gives meaning to what you do choose to do. And I believe that you are multitalented and have many interests, so do I, and it’s ridiculous to limit yourself to just one thing if you feel drawn to SO MANY different things, BUT it’s also overwhelming. And you don’t want to overwhelm yourself with more than you can handle, because that kinda ruins everything. The awesome thing is: You really can explore many things and then decide on a few that properly click with you. You are not obligated to finish everything you start, you can experiment! You can do something and fall short. You can try and ‘fail’ and try again! I know that this is not possible for everyone to the same extent as there may be restrictions such as financial struggles etc (if that is the case and you live in Switzerland, I recommend looking at cantonal stipends) and I do not know your exact circumstances, BUT I do believe that there is almost always a way.

And of course I also wouldn’t say no to being a nepo baby and having parents and people I know that work in this space and create or write because then I would probably not struggle with such a huge mental barrier around creating. It might be a different kind of barrier but I probably wouldn’t be in my own way so much, and maybe this blog and its potential future community would also build itself way quicke. But then again, there is pride to be taken in building something from the ground up by yourself and that’s what my parents have taught me. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything. So maybe I would actually say no to being a nepo baby if I could choose. Anyway, that was a strange tangent haha but what I am really trying to say is that you may not see your way right now, but there are many things in this world working against you, so please, don’t let yourself be another one. It’s YOUR life, trust yourself, trust your gut instincts. Don’t let anyone decide for you and don’t let yourself be pressured into choosing a path that doesn’t feel right. Be kind with yourself, be patient and, most importantly, take care of your health and wellness – mentally and physically. Seriously, if you are not okay, everything else stops mattering anyway. Your health, every aspect of it, is the pillar everything else in your life is built on.

Another thing I’ve realized with content creation on the internet is that if I keep doing it, then I have it. If I keep writing on my blog, then I have a blog. Or if a blog isn’t your thing, it might be recording a podcast and publishing it. If you keep doing it then you have it. And personally, it often felt impossible to have a blog or a podcast, it felt like there was a door that needed to be opened first or things I needed to achieve and become and learn about first so that I would then be allowed to do this. That’s just not the case. If you have access to internet, and I think it’s fair to assume that you do since you are reading this, then there is nothing else you need. Being a content creator on the internet isn’t like other creative careers, like acting (I’m no expert in acting careers, so take this with a pinch of salt) where you kinda have to get your foot in the door, maybe even wait for someone to open the door for you and let you in, there is no ‘if I keep doing it then maybe someone might notice me who would then …’, no. It’s not about who you know, it’s just ‘I want to do it, therefore I do it, therefore I have it, and then I keep doing it’. It’s not unattainable, it’s right there in front of you and you are allowed to grab it and make it happen for yourself. If you are like me and you are not doing this to get somewhere or become rich or something, but because you like doing it and because you genuinely WANT to do it, and you never felt like it was a possibility, I’m here to tell you right now: IT IS. You can start that Instagram about your art or your photography, that podcast about lifestyle or your field of expertise, that YouTube channel about travelling, or whatever else it may be. Apply for that job that feels out of reach. Whatever it is, just try. Don’t be so f*cking afraid all the time. You’re allowed to fail, and fail again! (funny coming from me, but the more you hear it the more you believe, right?) Don’t deprive yourself of opportunities because you underestimate yourself. And believe me, there are people WAY less qualified that are doing what you want to do while you’re here thinking that you are not allowed, doubting yourself and your capabilities, and FOR WHAT. Take that leap of faith, hon. Do yourself a favor and just try it out, see how it goes. Take a risk, loosen up, live a little. It’s often easier than you think. Once you start, it’s suddenly not that scary anymore. Start small, take one step at a time, but please take a chance on yourself.

I’m basically just pep-talking myself at this point HAHAHA. And you are lucky enough to enjoy the privilege of witnessing part of my inner monologue since I am SOE AWESOME and decided to start a blog to share all these wonderful little thoughts that are coming out of this wonderful little mind of mine. HE HE. You’re welcome. Anyways. For real though, I think that most of the time when we give advice, we’re really talking to ourselves, sometimes past versions of ourselves.

I’m really properly realizing right now is that this, writing this blog post, having this blog, learning by doing and while doing, this is what I’ve wanted. And it’s finally really happening because I am making it happen. There wasn’t ever anything to wait for, no points to tick off, no steps on a plan to get there, like. THIS IS IT. Don’t wait for permission. Don’t rush it, don’t try to skip steps in your learning curve, get better at it with time, try and fail or succeed but try again either way, find what works for you and please, don’t stand in your own way.

Closing comments

Once again it took me longer than I thought to write this post but I am quite happy with how it turned out overall. Not every part of it haha. It feels very authentic though, I haven’t really edited much and I’m gonna post it as it is in this moment.

Also, the weather has been gorgeous where I am. It’s golden hour right now. I am, of course, sitting on the couch in my parents’ house haha. That’s becoming a theme in this season of my life. I hope wherever you are there’s no wild fire or rising water or other climate change shit happening because you deserve a bit of mild fair weather. Or whatever weather you prefer.

Lotsa love, Skye

PS: ‘All I do is try try try’ was a reference to the song ‘mirrorball’ by Taylor Swift. What else would it be. This really is first and foremost a Swiftie blog. I mean, the focus is storytelling so how could it not be.