#5 Me myself and I: concepts of self, labels and being perceived – identity crises? join the club | Off the record

06/11/23

Guess what I just realized! I have already published ten posts on here! We’ve passed the threshold, guys. We did it. Well, I did it. No one is reading this, still. I have been working on the socials though, even though they make me a bit nervous. By ‘the socials’ I mean Instagram and Twitter (@skyemahdi on both, go leave me a comment).

I’m a bit tired ngl. It’s not that late but I’ve been sleepy all day. I’ve had quite a lovely day though. Hope you have too, where ever and whenever you are. Sending hugs.

I know I said some time ago that I would time whenever I’m writing blog posts to help me not get overwhelmed. Well, I never did, HA. Who’s surprised? No one. I always wrote for hours and hours, sometimes even multiple afternoons. And if I keep that up I’m always gonna be stressed about it because that is just too long, I don’t always have that kinda time. So I am indeed finally going to set a timer today for 90min and basically treat this like an assignment in high school where I have to put the pen down after the assigned time haha. Doing my best with the time I have and no looking back or editing or anything afterwards. There is less pressure obviously because this isn’t gonna be an essay that’s graded lol, this is just thoughts on a topic that no one is gonna read. Fun! So yeah, let’s see what I come up with.

Where I’m at:

Well, let’s just say I had a good run but then the last week or so has been a bit… challenging and confusing. I’m feeling a little lost and lonely and vulnerable, sprinkled with some real appreciation for how much better I’m doing now than I was a year or even half a year ago. I used to walk around like an open wound. Don’t know how I went through some of the stuff that I did, and I’m very aware of the fact that where I am at right now is a place that I never imagined I’d ever reach. In more ways than one.

Also, have you seen the music video to ‘Feather’ by Sabrina Carpenter? So fun. And yes, I’m IN LOVE with 1989 TV, love the vault tracks (all of them but especially ‘Is it over now?’. and also ‘”Slut!”‘ and ‘Now That We Don’t Talk’ and ‘Say Don’t Go’ and ‘Suburban Legends’. Like I said, all of them.). I’ve always loved this album and I’ve been suffering withdrawals from trying to abstain until Taylor’s Version came out and now I’m even more obsessed (who knew that was possible) and I love all the little changes and I’ve been listening non-stop since it came out.

Identity Crises

I have a topic I want to focus on today and that is: Identity crises! Crises is the plural of crisis, right?

Basically, today we are talking about first world problems lol. Luxury problems is what we call it in German. Champagne problems one might say (wink, wink). Don’t we all know and love them. The feeling of wanting to rip your skin off.

That made me think of Olivia Rodrigo, she’s really damn good at putting this feeling into words. Actually, let me insert an example here:

Cat got my tongue
And I don’t think I get along with anyone
Blood running cold
I’m on the outside of the greatest inside joke
And I hate all my clothes
Feels like my skin doesn’t fit right over my bones
So I guess I should go
The party’s done, and I’m no fun, I know, I know
I know, I know

Ballad of a Homeschooled Girl, Olivia Rodrigo

Actually this song perfectly encapsulates what I want to write about today. Olivia sings about lying awake at night thinking about that one embarrassing thing you said years ago, laughing at the wrong time, googling how to flirt, loathing yourself, being paranoid, FOMO, hating your clothes; just the regular paranoia and angst, y’know? 😉 She really puts the experience of teenage and (early) twenties girlies into words. Even the exhaustion of it shimmers through, in this song particularly. The confusion of becoming a young adult and figuring out who you want to be, how you fit, and how you want to fit and who you want to hang out with and so on. The disillusionment of what life is like as an adult, I guess. Who can’t relate.

Anyway. I’ve discovered that my late teens/early twenties so far have been sprinkled with this weird feeling of having kinda figured out who I am and what I like but not who I could be and how to get there. There are these conflicting narratives of society and my family and my peers about what is ‘expected’ or what is ‘normal’. And I keep thinking how different I would be if I’d grown up somewhere else.

What really is identity? Well, let me just google that real quick actually. Alright, Wikipedia says: “Identity is the qualities, beliefs, personality traits, appearance, and/or expressions that characterize a person or a group. […] The etymology of the term “identity” from the Latin noun identitas emphasizes an individual’s mental image of themselves and their “sameness with others”.”

I’d say it’s a concept of self, a self-image. It’s shaped by social/cultural/(inter-)national, gender, educational/occupational, religious, ethnic, generational, political and so many other factors. It gives us a sense of meaning and direction. It’s like a compass to orient us in our choices and decisions, but it’s also something that we do not have complete control over. Certain things like our familial background or our gender we obviously can’t choose. Identity is an assemblance of characteristics, how you perceive yourself and are perceived by others. Identity is who you think you are and who others think you are, it’s your qualities and traits, and it’s whole composition is individually unique to you, even though the whole concept is built on sameness or difference in comparison to other human beings. It’s adaptive and depends on context or situation. Though it often feels quite stable, I’d say it’s a rather fluid concept.

Damn, alright, don’t know where that came from. HA. Surprised myself with that but I think that sets a good corner stone for what I mean to talk about. I gotta warn you though, it’s only going downhill from here.

Because we are talking about identity crises today. I think there is quite a grounding sense of personal identity, and that’s also why it can be so jarring to feel dis-aligned with what you thought your identity was.

Let’s talk some personal examples, because this is getting a bit abstract.

Identity crises are often triggered by change. When you move, or change job, when the seasons change, when a relationship ends or a new one begins, and so on. Another examples I can think of right now are a struggling relationship with food, a general feeling of being lost and/or lonely, having nothing to wear. Or, for me personally more prominently than any of the above, my relationship with my heritage. Ha, yup, that’s a big one. Especially in my early teens I struggled with that majorly.

The internet also is high up on the list, in many different ways. Social media just triggers things we generally struggle with, catches and magnifies them. Whether that’s feeling like you’re never enough, comparison or jealousy, trying to be more and do more and be productive and be an entrepreneur and start a business and regularly go on runs and read more and so on and so forth, it doesn’t really matter what it is, often social media has lead to me getting in my head about things. Or it has left me feeling like I just wasted so much time and am so out of touch with everything, just really jarred and grumpy and disoriented and detached from life.

Ugh, life is a lot, isn’t it? And don’t even get me started on growing up. Having physical needs that need to be met, growing into your body and mind and life, having emotional needs, having feelings in general, too many feelings, too many thoughts, brain exploding; it’s a lot. Trying to fit in used to be a really big struggle for me. Quite common for kids. Trying to find friends, trying to not be on the outside.

Not having many real close friends as a kid growing up impacts people a lot I’d say, even later on. At least it did me. In your teens comes the phase of trying to figure out who you are, trying to figure out who you want to be around. And you’re insecure and you copy others and you piece yourself together, and around seventeen you reach a brief moment in history where you kinda feel invincible and like you figured it all out. Then after, when you’re approaching twenty, you’re confused as to what is really you and what you’ve been faking. You look at yourself and go ‘who is this person I’ve created?’ And I guess then you try to trace back through time, resurrect the innocent little girl and figure out what pleased her and try to rediscover yourself again. Or that’s how it went for me, at least, and for most of my friends.

Guess who that just reminded me of, btw. Yup, you’re right. Dr. Taylor Swift of course, who else.

They tell you while you’re young
“Girls, go out and have your fun”
Then they hunt and slay the ones who actually do it
Criticize the way you fly when you’re soaring through the sky
Shoot you down and then they sigh, and say
“She looks like she’s been through it” […]

I’ve had too much to drink tonight
And I know it’s sad, but this is what I think about
And I wake up in the middle of the night
It’s like I can feel time moving
How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?
And will you still want me when I’m nothing new?

Nothing New, Taylor Swift

I feel like the desire to feel seen and heard and understood never goes away. I think that might be my biggest fear actually, not finding people that get me. And I have been so lucky to have found some, and I’ll always hold them close to my heart. Connections to people are probably the one thing that I treasure most.

Actually, identity and connection are quite closely associated I’d say.

But what I’m trying to say is that how others see you, or maybe more importantly, how you think that others see you is a bit part of identity as well. That might be why it’s so startling when you’re described by someone else in a way that you don’t necessarily agree or identify with. For example when someone says ‘ oh you’re shy’ and actually, you don’t think that you are. Or ‘you’re ambitious’ and you didn’t think that you were. Or when someone is like ‘you seem like you’d be interested in history’ and you’ve never really formed an opinion on whether you think history is interesting or not and now you’re like, what do they mean, why would they say that, why would they think that that was my vibe etc. Being dubbed as ‘she’s the history girl’ or whatever it may be (nothing against history by the way, I’m just running with that example), I think it’s almost a bit rude because you’re like, hang on, I’ve got other interests.

On that note, let’s talk about labels. They can be so freeing in the way that they can ground you and make you feel like you’re part of a group and like you’re not crazy or weird because you’re not the only one. But they can also be a burden in that they try to fit you into a box, when humans are just not designed to be only one thing and fit into only one single box.

That’s something I wanted to touch on, the idea of an identity box. Like for example how we might identify as ‘someone who doesn’t like touch’ because that’s how it was when we were twelve and now everyone adopted that belief and we still act accordingly and don’t really hug people but what if we opened up to it and discovered that we actually do like hugs now? Ugh, I don’t know if this makes sense. Maybe that’s not the best example because I don’t relate hahaha, I’m definitely a hugger and always have been.

But it can also be limiting to identify with something because it makes us less open to change. So many things depend on the circumstances. Let me make a better example. How about identifying as ‘someone who follows through on what they start’. That’s not inherently a bad thing but it can be damaging, right? Because sometimes it might be better to let something go and not hang in there until the damage is irreparable just because that’s what you do, you stick it out, you fight through it and you feel like you gotta prove to yourself and everyone else that you are indeed someone that finishes what they start. Even though you know that no one else actually cares that much.

Trying to impress someone, performing for ‘everyone else’ without even knowing who ‘they’ are is a weird feeling that especially women relate to in my experience. Feeling like identity is something to live up to, something to prove. Because it’s not, obviously. Identity is fluid and people change.

It’s a weird thing, being perceived. It’s so tinted by perspective and the other persons experiences. It’s not only beauty that is in the eye of the beholder.

There is this phrase that has been spooking around in my brain. You’re not obligated to be uncomplicated. Meaning, you’re not obligated to make sense to other people. You’re not obligated to ‘be stable’ and never change. Where’s the fun in that? You are allowed to go through phases. And when I say ‘you’, I’m talking to myself, reassuring myself haha.

Like, at the beginning of the year I hadn’t watched a single F1 race and then my sister and my friend introduced me to it and now I really like it, and we’ll see how long it lasts, you know? As long as it pleases me. Because right now I’m fully invested haha. It’s all not that serious, like, yes, you’re in your ‘New Girl’-phase right now but a few days ago you didn’t even know that TV show existed. It’s quite natural, life flows, you discover new things, and you don’t have to be good at things to enjoy them and you don’t have to know everything about things you like to be allowed to like them.

This went a bit of a random direction, didn’t it. Let’s stick with random then. Do you ever feel like there are multiple lives you want to live? Multiple kinds of people you want to be? I sure do sometimes. Which has most definitely led to some crises before, but that’s exactly what I meant with identity being restrictive. Just allow yourself to be whatever you’re feeling or wanting or needing to be that day. or that moment even.

This has almost become a flow of consciousness. I’m just word vomiting at this point.

This whole blog post so far doesn’t feel like it is representing me very well, it’s quite chaotic, and I’m trying not to mess with it too much and just allow myself to be all over the place today. It’s probably not as bad as I think it is.

You know what I’m realizing more and more as I continue writing? Olivia Rodrigo is the queen of capturing the feeling of identity crises. She has so many songs that talk about facets of it. Her second album ‘Guts’ has expanded quite a bit on concepts of her first album ‘Sour’, but already in some of the first songs she’s put out they are very present:

I remember screaming this song. It resonated with me at my core. There is something quite special about being almost the same age as an artist that I like. Makes it so much easier to relate to her experiences. Age is a part of identity as well, huh.

Also, my timer has run out a while ago and I don’t feel like I’m done but then again I might never be. I’ll try to come to some sort of a conclusion to end this on. Did I mention that I’m tired? I’m really tired right now, and trying to channel this feeling into words isn’t helping.

People are too aware of being perceived. Or at least everyone I know and care about is. Especially in their teens everyone is so preoccupied with how they present themselves and how that compares to others. And EVERYONE overestimates how much others think about them. Right? I know I’m not the only one. Makes you feel insecure and like a goddess at the same time.

It’s a bit paradoxical in a way, because there is a reason that people say that you should try things and experiment with who you are and what you like while you’re young. Your body is still working and you’ve got a rather high probability of having time to still be able to build something up even after changing your mind again and again and again. And at the same time you’re obviously also much less secure in yourself. But that can be so fun though! You gotta allow yourself to change and be fluid.

‘Hold it lightly’ has become a sort of mantra to me recently. Having a fixed image of yourself only leaves room to be jarred by other people perceiving you differently and to feel let down by yourself. Just hold everything a bit more lightly, tread through life more lightly. It’s not that serious, you don’t have to try that hard. Hold your image of yourself lightly, hold relationships lightly, hold your idea of how things should be lightly, hold it all more lightly. Soften you’re iron grip, let go of trying to control everything. Let things happen that you can’t control and trust yourself to be able to cope. Lightly, lightly. The ground is a mine field of fear and despair and helplessness and guilt and loneliness and anger and emptiness and jealousy and resentment and overwhelm and sadness and self-pity and self-hate, so tread lightly.

That’s almost a poem haha. You get what I mean, don’t you. Also, just to be clear, I’m basically talking to myself here, I haven’t figured it out and honestly, I don’t think anyone ever really does. That’s life.

For me, the crisis often happens when I stop the natural flow and hold myself under a microscope and inspect and try to figure me out and put a label on everything and analyze who I am and where I’m going and what I’m doing, who I’m hanging out with, what I’m wearing and so on and so forth. I always expect of myself to have a finite answer to all of the above right this second, which is just. A bit dumb and very human, I guess.

I’ve mentioned this before in another post, but there is this quote from ‘The Witcher’, this one line that really stuck out to me and has been on my mind a lot since.

Life is too short. Do what pleases you while you can.

Jaskier, The Witcher

I like the idea of trying to figure out what pleases me and one by one making those things part of my life. That’s a good note to end on.

Website narration:

I’ve lost track a bit, give me a second. I need to check what’s new myself lol.

I’ve written an analysis of ‘Clean’ by Taylor Swift, because of course I had to do something in anticipation of 1989 TV 😉 I’ve also updated the whole design of the website to make it more accessible and easier to navigate. And like I said in the beginning, I’ve been working on my socials which has been a bit of a struggle ngl because I’m too shy and I hate that it makes me feel a bit cringe. It would be nice to build a little community though, so I’m trying, guys. All I do is try, try, try. (If you didn’t get that reference you are missing out on one of the greatest albums ever made. Which is called ‘Folklore’.)

I’m still working on the review for ‘Fourth Wing’ but now that the second novel in the series ‘Iron Flame’ is out, I’ll try to speed it up a bit. I haven’t written a review in a while so cut me some slack 😉

Closing comments:

There, I did it! I’ve worked on it longer than I wanted to haha but anyway, it’s time for bed. Hope you enjoyed 🙂 Catch you next time.

Lotsa love, Skye